They say you process bad news in waves. Today our reality hit me in a whole new way. Charl has cancer. He is going in for his third round of chemo on Thursday. My husband is critically ill.
I've been writing this blog to update people when events in his treatment warrant it, and to let everyone know that he is doing well - the happy, smiley stuff. But I don't write everything that could be written about what it's like to see someone you love so much suffer, what it's like for Charl to have this disease, to be justifiably frustrated, to be forced to withdraw from the normal activities enjoyed in life. Nor do I write about all the ways in which it affects our relationship and our plans, to live in a constant state of limbo, or what it's like when I'm scared or tired or feeling isolated. Well today I'm going to write about it.
It took me 3 hours to do my shopping at SuperStore today. I did not expect it to take that long, as buying groceries never does. I don't even know where the time went. Charl had to take his injection yesterday, and he dreaded its painful effects. When the drugs start working, they trick your bones into producing bone marrow so your white blood cell count will rise - which he needs to do in order for the nurses to be able to administer his next round of chemo. He has been in pain for the last 24 hours. This is not fun for him, and it is not fun for me to watch him go through it.
We were out of all the good foods he needs to eat, so I went out to do a routine weekly shop. Why it hit me at SuperStore I'll never know. 'My husband is at home, during a work day, laying in bed. In pain. This is not the way it's supposed to be. He should be at work, we both should be at work. We should be going out to a nice restaurant tonight. We should be buying the house we've always planned to buy together. We should be having babies. We should be planning the big summer vacation we've talked about for my birthday this summer...' We should be. But we aren't.
In retrospect - on all those days I blogged when we were (mercifully) feeling 'up' - I was so glib about 'the new normal'. This is not to say I was purposely being disingenuous, or trying to present a false reality, but on the good days you can be glib. On the hard days, nothing about the 'new normal' is likeable.
Thank you mom and Patti for calling me today, and keeping me going while I was at superstore. Thanks to Liette from church who happened to also be there, and after a nice chat, though we hardly know each other, gave me a warm hug. God has given us everything we need to get through this time, about that I have no doubt. And we'll get through this. This, a Super Store day.
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Thinking of you both as you go through this journey. I am sad that it is filled with rough times. I look forward to a walk in the mountains with both of you, hearing the squirrals, sitting by the stream at Johnston Canyon, and throwing rocks in the water as it rushes by on a hot summer day. (To the tune of Meatloaf?) Hang in there Carol, and Charl, our Mountain days will come...with much Love, Dan
ReplyDeleteYou have to keep your hopes and spirit up. I understand the ups and downs you are going through. Use and re-use your support system during the down times.... love you and praying for you. mwa mwa
ReplyDeleteWe understand how you feel, and sometimes nothing seems like it is enough, even with God's help. We also feel like we are wandering around Superstore looking for answers. My father in Saskatoon was just in hospital for prostate issues, and just found out he has bone cancer. God has a plan for all of us, and we just have to trust him, living one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteGreg